[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”