[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
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My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
When news reporters do sports stories
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
definitely did not do anything wrong
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.