[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.