*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Pat is about to own someone
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.