Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

oh no, steve’s working tonight

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time