Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

What do you text your spouse?

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.