Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.