Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

never stops being funny

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me