*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
SF is the wild wild west man
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve