*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
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Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Care for your back
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.