Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

be careful

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Monday

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?