Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

go easy on yourself <3

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT