Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

me when I see my crush

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

I’m awake but I object,

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements