Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

one week till the election

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you