*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You Might Also Like
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“our sushi is very fresh”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.