*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.