*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*
HE STARTED IT
My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.
I’m really starting to worry about this virus…
me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said
maternity nurse: hey put those babies back
Quarantine Level: Expert
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD