*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

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Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.


[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]



WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer


My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.


Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.


*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch


It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.


Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.


not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.