*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
same energy
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.