*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Knock Knock
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*pokes sex life with a stick
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder