Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

A completely valid reaction tbh

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.