*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I am having an out of money experience.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.