*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
![]()
You Might Also Like
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
![]()
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people