Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.