Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.