Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?