*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.