*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.