Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

💯😂

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

We need to put an American base on the sun