Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Okay

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

vegan witches, happy halloween!

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns