*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled