*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
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“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I think this cat is broken
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.