*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
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If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real