Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.