*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
🚲+physics = winner
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets