@fillthevacuum

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

You Might Also Like

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@ArfMeasures

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

@my_minivan_life

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

@chrisdowning

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

@roboticcrab

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

@AbleLikes

Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.

@Ideal_Victoria

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@thatUPSdude

Is there gangs where they just go to buffets? I can join that type of gang.