*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I beg you to euthanise me
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!