*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Money is the root of all wealth
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
always be there
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
yikes
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on