Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Go hard or stay average
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate