Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
are they though??
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”