Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
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Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
wow
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts