Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.