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Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Reporter: *ports again*
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My typo game is string.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*