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Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
