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Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.