Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time


hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out


Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.


friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though


My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.


Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.


[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
*inserts mixtape*
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape


DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again



*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy


me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]


me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot