wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.
Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
me: [gets on one knee]
me: [reaches into pocket]
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot