@sickipediabot

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

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@TheHyyyype

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

@NicCageMatch

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@ReallySamEvans

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

@cathisamazing

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

@supershayne

[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
*inserts mixtape*
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape

@roxiqt

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

@BuckyIsotope

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

@PaperWash

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot