ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
accurate
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above