Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

like swimming in quick dry cement

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces