ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great