ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.