Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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Pretty much! 馃槀馃憖
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
A water park, but it鈥檚 just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 馃槈
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I鈥檓 not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they鈥檒l clear out in no time
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you鈥檙e also done with the conversation.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.