Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt