Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

😂

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Taking phone security to the next level.

#Caturday

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”