3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.