ADHD is ADD in high definition.

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Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”


[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.


“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes


I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive


Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?


[First day in bomb squad]

*Woman crying infront of blown up house*

ME : *putting an arm around her shoulders*
“I think this belonged to your husband”


[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”


I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.


[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes


EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*