@Blue_Crab

ADHD is ADD in high definition.

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@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

@ericsshadow

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

@ashleyaustrew

“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes

@Sorrowscopes

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@Ochie2S

[First day in bomb squad]

*Woman crying infront of blown up house*

ME : *putting an arm around her shoulders*
“I think this belonged to your husband”

@T_Longstreth

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

@ryangriffiths

I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.

@dafloydsta

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

@flashember

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS