And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.