Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Leaving the Barbers like

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest