ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.