ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
🐟✨ #re4
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”