Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.