Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Canadian owl: Eh?

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

You better wish for more oil

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!