Admin smashed it 😂
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy