Admin smashed it 😂
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
who will stop them
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
They’re called werewolves.
