Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one