Admin smashed it 😂
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Nomnomnomnom
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
#NeverForget
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.