Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?