Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

How tf did it end up there?

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?