Admin smashed it 😂
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
my proudest tweet
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water