Admin smashed it 😂
You Might Also Like
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Do not levitate over flowers
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
i will not be silenced
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.