Admin smashed it 😂
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.