Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
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“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”
No, you’d be disappointed.
“Don’t say it-”
Omelette u down.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it