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@Kids_kubed

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

@Reverend_Scott

“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.

“Wait-”

Because-

“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”

@Purple_whipped

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@impaulmccoy

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

@DurtMcHurtt

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

@Browtweaten

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

@Pro_Jones_

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it