Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

#Caturday

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.