*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost