Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years