Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country