Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
This is my bus stop.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
How to walk around a museum
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin: