Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.