Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating