Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.