Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
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I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table