Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
plant them where lol
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
We decided to have money instead of children.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods