Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
is it earth
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.