Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes