Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire