Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

yea so i messed up lol

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Plant care tips

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Sing it!

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90