Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Whoa… oh I see lol

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.